Get the OSCAR Look: Harry Potter Hair!

I have a lot of thoughts about what worked and what didn't work on the Oscars last night, but I will restrain myself from spouting off about that.  Head to Entertainment Weekly where qualified personnel are praising and slamming last nights telecast.  Well, let me at least give you one image of what was COMPLETELY working last night:

YES and YES.

OK, let's get to it.  I would like to discuss the winning look of the night:  Contemporary Wizard Realness.

It's not talent behind three big Oscar wins.  It's magic.  These powerful Wizard's have cast a spell on Hollywood and I for one completely support it.  And where does the magic lie?  In their glorious manes.  I've already written to this guy to see if I could become his Wizard Apprentice:

And the Wizard's of Waverly Place ain't got nothing' on this powerful man (Obviously the Ginger soul patch trail give him extra special powers):

 And please keep Fantastic Sam away from Charismatic Claudio:

Glorious.  Just glorious. 

OK.  It's Malfoy.  That last guy is clearly Lucious Malfoy.  It's freaking me out.

My advice to these middle aged men with long lustrous longs.  Keep it long guys.  Keep it long.  It's working for you.  Why mess with a good thing. 

I'm pretty sure that all of these Sound and Editing Wizards are plotting to take over Hollywood, with "He who shan't be named."   Ya know, I always thought I was in the House of Griffyndor, but clearly I should join these guys over at Slytherin to really get my Oscar Mojo flowing.

Well, I'll work on it guys. 

I think the great American Musical "Hair" said it best:

"Give me a head with hair.  Long beautiful hair.  Shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen waxen.  Give me down to there, hair, shoulder length or longer.  Here baby, there, Momma, everywhere, Daddy, Daddy...Hair, flow it, show it.  Long as God can grow, my hair."

-T.L.

Brad, I LITERALLY Won a SAG Award. It's Everything.

I hope you read that title in your best Rachel Zoe voice.  When doing a proper Zoe accent, be sure to reeeealllly draaaaag oooout aaany harsh opeeeen vooooowel sounds.  Also did you know her show is not a show, but in fact a "Project?"  I love when TV Shows call themselves a "Project."  It makes me feel veeeerrrrry cultured.

So, maybe you read my earlier post about Ben Affleck's Explosive Back and How I maybe sort of won a SAG award?  Or maybe you didn't.  Maybe you were just too darn busy watching a Housewife show?  Just know this:  I am vehemently opposed to Housewife shows! 

And Housewife Spinoff shows!  THE WORST!

Is a Vanderpump a place?  Or a person?  An experience?  I'm confused.  Also, is this really a TV show or a group of aspiring Soap Opera Stars performing an actors Showcase in my living room to try and get an agent?  If so, can you tell them that I'm not SAG-franchised, the scarf dress is over, and please make me a Stoli and Soda.

My thoughts exactly Adult and Baby Liz Lemon. 

I should probably bust myself for making fun of the Housewife shows when in reality, I really do love to hunker down with a Rachel Zoe Marathon and a carton of Soy Delicious Ice Cream on the very same network.  I just really enjoy the fashions? 

Well in case you were busy watching any of the fine programming on Bravo featuring women with regional Beverly Hills and Beverly Hills Adjacent Dialects and didn't read my sweet-ass Blog entry, I basically compared being an actor to being a drug addict….in a humorous sort of waaaay, Okaaaaay?.  And then I got sidetracked, and then derailed, and went off on tangents…talked A LOT about Ben Affleck and what a stand up guy he was...and ended somewhere around how I am maybe, potentially be a SAG award winner.  There you have it.

BTW, how do I learn to smoulder like this?  Maybe he's just born with it?  Maybe it's Maybelline.  "Get the lash-blast lash fast clash rash sensation....."  I think I'm actually mocking Cover Girl now?  You're confused?  As you should be, I'm referencing the WORST/BEST moment on every season of ANTM when Tyra makes the girls say the "Lash Blast" slogan in a fake Cover Girl commercial.  I mean most humans cannot say that in a relaxed and believable manor.  Just you try saying it while strapped into some full body "Spanx," and riding an elephant .

Focus!  With the Oscars coming up I thought I better get a handle on whether or not I'm a SAG Award winner.  Cuz you know, it might be cool to bring a statuette with me to my favorite living room Oscar party/RAGE fest at my friend Elisa's.  Historically, at this party I sit on the floor and repeatedly SCREAM at the television set while my date Penny humps my arm:

That's Penny.  She's the best Oscar date.  Here's one of her SICK modeling pictures for some doggy clothing company:

This picture is PERFECTION.  Or to annoyingly quote Rachel Zoe, "It's EVERYTHING."  The worst/best part of that picture is Penny's "Love" bling necklace??!!!  It's bad enough she's a DOG in a TURTLENECK, but then you gotta add a bling necklace?  Even Carrie Bradshaw would say you've gone too far.  Now, just picture that  dog in that outfit humping my arm while Anne Hathaway cries in the background.

That's right...it's going to be an AMAZING night of triumph and disappointments.

So, all that nonsense was the lead in to this - Inspired by one of my favorite book series Letters From A Nut (I think I auditioned for the pilot of the Television Show that never got made…I mean that show needs to happen!!!!), I emailed the SAG Awards to get to the bottom of whether I'm truly a SAG Award WINNER or not!  Here's some excerpts from our correspondence (I've edited out the boring parts for your short attention span):

Hi there!

I had a small role in the movie "Argo" and seeing that the movie received the SAG Award for Outstanding Performance by a Cast in a Motion Picture, I am curious if that includes me?  I'm one of the 120 actors in the film that Ben Affleck acknowledged in his beautiful speech, so I'm curious if I'm technically able to say that I'm a SAG award winner?

If I am technically a SAG award winner, is there any way that I can get my own statuette?  I think this would make me feel a lot better about the embarrassing commercial auditions I often go on.  Last week, I auditioned to play a "plate of nachos."  I know.  I was mortified.  At any rate, I think knowing I had a SAG award statuette sitting at home on my mantle (fake mantle obviously my California apartment has one of those fake fireplaces where you put candles and other decorative items), would make me feel extremely validated as a hard working character actor here in Los Angeles.  And if the Award itself is not an option, is there any way to get some sort of certificate that says I'm technically a SAG award, winner? 

Many thanks,

Tom Lenk

I was COMPLETELY surprised, when the SAG Awards Production Office wrote back right away:

Hi Thomas,

Congratulations to you!  To clarify our rules - only single-card billed actors are included in the ensemble that attends the show and receives statuettes, HOWEVER, all actors listed in the film's end credits are considered winners as well and will receive a recipient certificate for their work.  

Soooo, while not as flashy (or handsome) as a statuette on your mantel, a certificate (in a flashy frame perhaps) is sure to impress and hopefully keep your spirits up as you "nacho" your way to the top! :)

We currently have you on file as "Tom Lenk" in the credits, is that your preference?

Just let us know, thanks!

The Screen Actors Guild Awards Team

And one more email from me:

This is so exciting!!! So just to clarify, I can technically say "SAG Award Winner Tom Lenk" in future bios and press releases?  I mean of course, I won't overuse it.  Just when I'm looking to class it up a little bit. 

I would love to get my hands on that Certificate! 

And if you have any random SAG awards laying around, I totally don't mind paying for one.

Tom Lenk

Just to be clear, I WAS NOT trying to bribe them, I just had heard that when a large group wins one award, you have to pay for any additional statues.  Anyway, the Good News is that, I am TECHNICALLY a SAG Award winner. 

And I have got to give MAJOR props to whoever was behind that SAG Award email response.  Some people might have mistaken the tone of my email to be that of a crazy person.  But from there hilarious response, clearly they knew it was all in good fun.  I love that they got "punny" with the "Nacho your way to the top" comment.  My hat is off to you SAG Awards Production Office!  And it really is a handsome statue.  I mean he's pretty ripped...but also it's kind of creepy?   Wait, he has no mouth and the masks are basically his face that he rips on and off?!  And what's with his smooth, vague crotch area?!  Oh man, this SAG award is getting really intense.   Clearly it possesses powers that I'm just not ready for yet!  Yep, that Certificate is gonna look pretty sweet in a flashy frame. 

Hope you win your Oscar bracket and fingers crossed for ARGO this Sunday!

Cheers!

- SAG Award Winner Tom Lenk

Happy V-day! Or Not?! Stop Yelling at Me!

I know, I know. It's the worst. Here's a little Valentines Day Card for you.  It shows how much I care about you, especially because you're reading my brand new blog.   In regards to the new blog situation, my friend Allan Brocka said to me on FB, "Awesome, Welcome to 2004!"  Busted.  He's totally right.  But, I don't mind.  Better late to the party, than stuck at the Taco Bell/Pizza Hut Drive-Thru AKA the Taco-Hut.  Mmmmmm Tacos.  

Anyway, if you don't have a Valentine, I hope you totally got into shape, just to show your ex what they're missing.  Revenge body is the best.  I remember mine well.  And if you do have a Valentine, enjoy those extra ten to fifteen pounds.  I'm know I'm really enjoying mine.   And by enjoying, I mean...each time I walk past the mirror in my undies, I yell at myself like I'm a stranger, quoting this:

Alright, here's the card I made you.  I digitally painted it myself (on Procreate, my fave new ipad app) with loooooove.  Sorry there's no candy:

-T.L.

Ben Affleck's Sexy Back, Dinner with Karen Black & I Think I Won a SAG Award?

Here’s you in your office:

Courtesy G. Branco

Here’s me in my office:

Courtesy T. Lenk

I’ve cropped out the Del Taco wrappers and empty Starbucks cups.  I’ve left in the moustache for your arousal and enjoyment. 

The gentle rattling of my Jeep Patriot interior is a huge contrast to the hustle and bustle and vast amounts of free food you encounter working on a fancy pants Hollywood Movie or TV Show.  But that’s how it works…one minute you’re jet-setting off to Canada to film a HUGE movie, where you’ll stay in a swanky hotel that has so many famous actors staying in it, you’ll invent a game called “Which celebrity will avoid eye contact with me when I get in the elevator?!  This time it’s Brooke Shields!”  And the next minute you’re back in Los Angeles, talking to yourself in your car like a crazy person, reciting aloud the four monologue-filled scenes of dialogue that you cancelled your Downton Abbey viewing party to learn, only to arrive at your audition and have the Casting Director take one look at you and casually mumble, “Just the first scene please.”  By the way, if any 60-something Hollywood actresses are reading, I offer you that phrase as the title of your future memoir.  Karen Black, you’re welcome.  (And please enjoy Karen's Blog while drinking some soothing chamomile tea out of a re-purposed mason jar.)

Karen Black detour: I once went to a dinner party in honor of Karen Black and she regaled us with moving stories about her cats.  She even read her cat poems.  She cried.  I held myself.  It was pretty much the greatest night of my life. 

In the business of “making faces while saying words” it’s all about the Extreme Highs and Extreme Lows.  Sorry.  Did you accidentally misread that as “Extreme’s Highs and Extreme’s Lows", as in “Extreme” my favorite one hit wonder glam-rock gone acoustic hair-band from the early ’90’s?  Me too.   Well, while we’re on the topic, I would consider Extreme’s “high” to be the 1990 release of their hit single “More than Words,” which is officially the best song ever to harmonize to when you’re drunk at a party (Which can sometimes make you cry if you're feeling vulnerable).  And Extreme’s “low” would be the cancellation of their upcoming 2013 Australian Tour.  Sad face.  Also I fully EXPECTED that I would grow up to look like the one with the incredible jaw line and and the badass white ruffled pirate shirt: 

Sorry, back on track.  There are more highs and lows as an actor in Los Angeles, than being a heroin addict on the streets of Vancouver.  What, you didn’t know that Vancouver was dubbed “Heroin City” by Nat Geo Channel?   I somehow watched a whole special about it and it haunts me to this day.   It was on right after Cocaine Sub Hunt…which is also a thing.  That’s right semi-submergable submarines filled to the brim with Cocaine sailing/swimming to the U.S. from South America.   Lose a couple hours of your life here:

OK, I lied, we never got back on track.  Man, I get derailed so easily!   But seriously a friend of mine once said that the only other profession she could possibly compare being an actor to is a being a drug addict.   Hmmm…no wonder these two careers often go hand in hand.  (Just a quick note: the only drug consumed while writing this blog entry, was half an Allegra-D…What?! I have incredible dust mite allergies!)  Sometimes it does feel like we are junkies constantly chasing the dragon.  (Is that the phrase I’m looking for?  Or is it I’m trying to get the monkey off my back?  Swing a dead cat?  Why do all these euphemisms involve animals?  Let’s just stick with the dragons...it sounds so magical)  We get a buzz from landing a job and then a week later we’re back on the 405, driving to an audition, hoping to experience that high again.

Take for example this extreme high: I was cast in a small role in the movie ARGO.

File under: #BADASS #LIVINGTHEDREAM #SEXYBEARD

ARGO offered MANY Actor Highs.  The initial high of finding out I booked it - this lasted a solid two weeks.  Going and actually filming it this high lasted an entire month.  And then, going to see it in the theater and finding out that I didn't get cut from the film... Best.  High.  Ever.  It felt like the happy tears version of this Jesse Spano moment: 

And might I say, I totally don’t mind that my part was sizably cut…let’s back that up…my ROLE was sizably cut.  I don’t mind because in my opinion (and not just because I was in it), ARGO was by far the best movie of the year and the only one I can think of that was of an appropriate and VERY well-paced length.  Les Miz, Lincoln I’m looking at you. You heard me…if you’re going to make a movie over three hours you have to give us a break to pee.  (Les Miz Bathroom Break tip: run to the john when Hugh Jackman starts singing that boring song that’s not in the real show. You won’t miss anything.) 

I was intrigued when friends on Facebook said how "great it was to see your cameo in Argo!"  This is implies that they simply asked me to play the part.  Like Joan Rivers cameo alongside Miss Piggy in The Muppets Take Manhattan, now THAT's a cameo:

And, NO, I'm not questioning my taste levels, when the only historical movie cameo I can think of involves Joan Rivers lovingly attacking Miss Piggy with a powder puff.  I should also mention that if you do not laugh or at least crack a smile while watching Joan and Piggy...you are officially dead inside.  Unlike Joan Rivers, I had to audition to play that tiny part.  A lot of hard work, driving and parking tickets (I've recently started paying in advance so I have a credit with the City of Los Angeles), not to mention awesome direction by the Casting team who put me on tape, goes into trying to book such a small part in a movie. 

BEN AFFLECK TANGENT ALERT!  I just need you to know that on the first day of rehearsal Ben was wearing jeans and a very thin, vintage T-shirt, which allowed me to see that his lats are EXPLOSIVE!  I mean, he looked like he was about to turn green and Hulk out from the back of his shirt, and tackle me…in a good way.  Seriously…I’ve never been so stunned by the beauty and muscular composition of someone’s back before. It’s like he was smuggling Daniel Craig underneath that whisper of a vintage poly-cotton blend T-shirt. What’s happening!?  And if you can believe it, his front side is even more handsome in person than in your late-night fantastical dreams.

Now, back to me.  When I rehearsed I looked approximately like this:

And after hair, makeup and wardrobe had their way with me, I looked like this:

That’s not a wig by the way.

Hmmm....Look familiar?

I thought so.

That’s why as soon as I arrived on set, I flounced my auburn hair helmet and declared, “Hey everybody it’s me, Alice!” Crickets.  “You know, from The Brady Bunch?”  I got a chuckle out of Ben, which was my main goal.  Filming could now commence.

ANOTHER B.A.T.A. (Ben Affleck Tangent Alert—it’s a thing now.):  I also want you to know that there were MANY ’70s era wigs used in the movie, but not on Ben.  His hair was real...and it was shiny and beautiful.  And I should add here that Ben’s demeanor and interaction with me as an actor and a director was just as shiny and beautiful as his feathered salt and pepper locks.  He was a dreeeeam.  Also can we talk about that beard? I dunno, it’s just working for him!  There I said it.

ARGO has been on an Award-winning roll and I think Ben Affleck deserves all the accolades he’s been getting.  In fact I will lend my voice to the many Internet outcries and say that he was ROBBED of an Oscar Nomination for Best Director.   And if anyone can tell you about the “extremes” it’s Ben. He definitely had some dark years.   Just ask Barbara Walters:

"Can we get some golden-hued, murky CGI backdrops and OVERSIZED BROOCHES up in here immediately?!  WHY?  Because I'm Barbara Walters dammit and I get what I want!"

Knowing that Ben survived Gigli and the J.Lo years makes his current acclaim all the sweeter.  For me, what makes him so appealing is that even through great success he seemingly hasn’t forgotten the struggle.  Two weeks ago, ARGO won a SAG award for Outstanding Performance by a Cast in a Motion Picture.

Said Affleck in his Acceptance Speech:

"This has nothing to do with me, it has to do with the incredible people who were in this movie.  The people you see on stage, we had more than 150 actors, they spoke in English, they spoke in Farsi.   And the one thing they had in common, is they came to work every single day, whether they had a line or a look to somebody or two lines or ten lines…or a bunch of stuff I couldn’t understand in Farsi…and they wanted to kill it to make the movie better.  Because that’s what actors do all over the world, every day.”

What can I say, Ben is a true gentleman!  Well, he also may have made it sound like actors save lives...

And if you're Jennifer Lawrence, that is in fact exactly what you do.  'Cuz that's how she rolls.  Saving lives, winning awards and wearing yoga pants.

Ahhhh yes, back to the awards.  I’m almost sure that through a glitch in the system, I won a SAG Award. Right?  The prize goes to outstanding performance by a cast?  And I was in the cast…and had somewhere between two and ten lines.  And he said he wanted to thank all 150 actors with speaking roles?

This is sort of ironic because I was late on paying my SAG dues (Actor Low) and they punished me by NOT SENDING ME ANY OF MY FREE MOVIE SCREENERS and prohibited me from voting.  The nerve!  Well, ha-haaaaa!!!!!  I showed them...I WON!!!! 

I was drunk on success, by way of Ben Affleck’s acceptance speech, for a week!  But for every peak there must be a valley, for every Buzz there must be a Buzz Killer:

A few days ago, I had an audition to play a PLATE OF NACHOS.

A PLATE OF NACHOS!  For real.  The role of a disgusting cheese-dripping anthropomorphic plate of nachos that shovels his own nacho chips into his melting mouth.  Which means it was an autocannibalistic/autosarcophogistic plate of nachos!  

We were asked to improvise and the first thing out of my mouth was:

"I’M LACTOSE INTOLLERANT!”

And then silence...awkward silence.

Not exactly what you want to hear a plate of nachos that's eating a lot of it's own cheesy goodness say.  I mean now that I think of it, a human-like plate of nachos would be pretty funny to play, but it kinda bummed me out at the time and the fact that I bungled the improv so hard was mortifying to me.  Note to self:  Never include one’s own dietary restrictions whilst improvising.

Even with that horrible image, I'm still craving nachos right now.  Who's with me?

So how do I survive the constant ups and downs? (And why wasn’t there someone to share this kind of advice with me before closing night of the greatest theatrical production the world has ever seen AKA my UCLA Junior year production of Godspell?!) 

Well first off, notice that I spent a lot of time getting sidetracked with the good stuff:  Ben Affleck and explosive lattisimus dorsi. And I only whined about the nachos for two minuscule paragraphs.  That’s because in my opinion you’ve got to CELEBRATE THE HIGHS.  And not just the extreme highs—or Extreme’s highs for that matter.  I mean don’t get carried away…you booked a pilot? Enjoy it! Who knows if it will get picked up?  Who cares!  Enjoy what you’ve accomplished.  At least enjoy what Ben's accomplished (Important historical film, muscular back and lustrous beard). 

When dealing with turmoil in your life or your career, my friend Jack Plotnick always says, “No one can take away the success you’ve already had. You own that, that’s yours. That’s not going away.”  The lows (even Extreme’s lows) will always be there. There’s no way to avoid them.  So when they hit, acknowledge them…and then distract yourself!  Get busy and try to have fun! My methods of distraction?  The following:

1.  Dance class with my pals at Sweaty Sunday!  It's like an Anti-Jazzercize hour long dance party taught by a futuristic space pirate.

2.  Acting like a fool in the 30 Minute Musical late night production of Top Gun the Musical.  Come see us this weekend in a double feature with Showgirls!

3.  Eating NACHOS with FAKE CHEESE!  Take that Lactose Intolerance!

Well, this list of fun times will just keep rambling on, so let's just end it here with these beautiful nachos.  And by the way, they're Vegan, so they are definitely NOT cannibalistic in any way.

And who knows?  Maybe one day I will in fact portray a warm appetizer?  At least I’ll know that I’m sort of…maybe a SAG Award winning warm appetizer.

-T.L.

Blog Kickoff, Best LA Coffee Joints To Get Some S*#T Done & Grammy Distractions!!

Well, it's finally happened.  I decided it was time I force myself to take my dainty digits to the computer keypad and spread my musings through the land in the form of a BLOG.  You didn't ask for it,  but your getting it anyway.  So there.  I'm going to try and post something humorous, lightly amusing, or if all else fails, something-kinda-cool-that-I-heard-about a few times a week?   But I'm someone who's susceptible to major bouts of procrasturbation, so we'll see if I stick to it.   Fingers crossed.  Be warned, the Grammys are on in the background, and right now this hunk of man seems to be yelling at me:

Is it me or is #LLCOOLJ forcing me to #TWEET about the #GRAMMYS?  Stop trying to make me socially network at inopportune times!  I just want to drink some "Butterfly Kiss" Chardonnay and hear Taylor Swift "sing."  Was I the only one who was wildly uncomfortable during the "casual talking" bit where she basically said, "I'm hosting the Grammy's so suck it?"  Oh brother.  That said, why are her teenage-slambook-songs so darn catchy?!  And how come her hair is so silky and beautiful?!  She's like a creepy shampoo commercial all the time!

Where was I?  Oh yes, in the midst of redoing my "website" I discovered I have GOT to get out of the house to get some S*#T done!  So, I thought for this first BLOG post I would share with you all of my favorite Coffee joints that I like to hang out at while, I write/work/daydream/fantasize about becoming a Theater Arts Acting Voice and Movement Professor.  These picks are mostly in and around Melrose, close to my pad.   If you've got your favorites around town, be sure to leave a comment so I can discover some new ones!

1.  Coffee Commissary - "No Nonsense" - 801 N. Fairfax

This place takes their coffee VERY seriously.  The baristas have a no-nonsense attitude, and are incredibly strangely attractive (I of course am partial to the moustachioed ones.  Any good cup of coffee deserves a good moustache).  The crowd here seems to be mostly "people" writing their "screenplays."  I like to pretend I'm writing my "screenplay" even when I'm writing a "wig-wearing-sketch."  I even ran into my friend/Emmy Award winner Danny Strong a few weeks back, putting the final touches on a HUGE movie that he's writing!  So the concentration Chi must be good here!  If the weather is nice the patio can be filled with gentlepeople on coffee dates.  The music is kind of loud, and the wi-fi is sometimes questionable, but I am always able to focus in on what I need to do here.  Also the EGGSLUT truck is there in the morning sometimes and it is incredibly DELICIOUS.  EEK!  Back that up!  I just googled and EGGSLUT has moved to Palihotel.  But you should know about them because they will feed you RIGHT!  That leads me to:

2. Hart and Hunter @ Palihotel - "Quirky Ellegance" - 7950 Melrose Ave.

By night, this is a hopping hipster foodie hang out but during the weekday mornings and afternoons, you can hang here in their cozy-dreamy atmosphere.  It reminds me of my favorite coffee shop in Edinburgh.  You would never know that it used to be the creepy Orbit Hostel!  It's super quiet here and they've got decent wi-fi.  By the way if you've ever wanted to eat like a Hobbit, their dinner menu is just for you!  Great coffee made with care and some delicious baked goods and tasty treats abounding!

3.  Intelligentsia - "The Obvious Choice" - 3922 West Sunset Blvd.

Pictured above is my favorite barista.  He has a moustache now, so obviously he's even better.

GRAMMY BREAK!!!!  I've been ignoring the Grammys in the background, because they have been mostly boring, but I just scrambled into the other room to watch Adam Levine and Alicia keys make sweet musical love to each other.  He was fully clothed (a crime against humanity) and she was banging on a drum (weird, but sexy).  File this under: #HIGHLYEROTIC.  These two superstars #NAILEDIT! 

OK...so where were we...that's right Coffee.  So my friend and comedy life-partner Patty and I took an Espresso workshop here a few weeks back.  That's right we payed good money to have someone teach us essentially how to work at a coffee shop.  I'm still trying to wrap my head around it.  They may have tricked us into paying them to let us work there for three hours?  It was surprisingly enjoyable and educational.  That's right #COFFEENERD

The line at Intelligentsia is famously long and obnoxious but now after being educated as to what goes into their coffee process, I know why!  They are very BIG on quality of the beverages they serve and will make and remake drinks if they are not satisfied with the Espresso coming out of their machines.  Even though the drinks are piping hot, the staff seems to be a little cold.  Maybe they're angry that they have to wear Dickensian style costumes everyday?  Maybe they have an Abercrombie & Fitch business model where the employees act cool and aloof to keep you coming back because you wanna be cool like them?  I sort of don't mind it because I've invented a game that helps pass the awkward time while you stare/undress them with your eyes.  When they serve your beverage to you, if the heart in the latte is served point towards you, that means they have a crush on you.  If they serve the butt of the heart to you, they are DEFINITELY NOT crushing on you.   And straight? Gay? Who knows?!  It's a mystery, It's Silverlake!  (Which may actually be this neighborhoods official slogan)

Think of me next time you're served a heart in your latte.  Also, I've enrolled in the "Latte Art" class in a couple weeks, because I'm determined to learn how to make a foam swan, and because I'm totally not cool.  

Speaking of cool, there's a lot of cool hipsters getting some S*#T done here.  I think this is where you come to write your "novel" or "lyrics" to your new indie rock album.  I am working on neither of these things but sometimes I like to pretend I am when really I'm just proof-reading my Hunger Games Fan Fiction . 

If it's crowded and you can't grab a table, head run across the street with your takeout  cup to Berlin Currywurst for some delicious German-style street food!  Yum!  They are the friendliest crew (and Berliners for that matter) in town!

GRAMMY DISTRACTION!  KATY PERRY'S TATA'S!

'NUFF SAID.

4.  Alfred Coffee - "The Newbie" - 8428 Melrose Place

I discovered this place through a friend's instagram post!  Well if that isn't modern/annoying, I don't know what is!  These folks serve Stumptown Roasters (my favorite coffee out of Portland) while wearing exclusive Rag & Bone attire!  What?!  It's a little over the top but I yearn to wear Rag & Bone 24/7, so I won't be too judgey.  They are friendly and it seems like it's still yet to be discovered so you should be able to claim your table and get to WERK. 

There doesn't seem to be a mustachioed Barista yet, but the coffee accoutrements are rocking some serious facial hair!

By the way, the trees are in bloom all along Melrose Place!  They're making my allergies crazy but they are awfully nice to look at, as is this West Hollywood Hipster:

GRAMMY UPDATE!  I was just aurally accosted by Frank Ocean's "singing."   Maybe he couldn't hear is keyboard?  Even his whistling was out of tune.  And he was singing repeatedly about Forrest Gump?  Is that hip and sexy?  I'm very confused.  It was like a bad American Idol audition.  I'm so annoyed, I'm not even including a picture this time.  And I got so uncomfortable that we just fast forwarded to somewhere near the end of the show where #LLCOOLJ was rapping?  I guess?  I dunno.  It was awkward.  We just decided to cut our losses and fire up the DOWNTON ABBEY, where no one will yell at me or tell me that I have to tweet about them. 

5.  Froma and V Cafe - "Coffee Unplugged" - 7960 Melrose Ave & 8164 Melrose Ave

These are two of my favorite spots for coffee/lunch.  They don't have wi-fi, so they're not the best spots if you like to get sidetracked with Facebook, but I do like to get off-line work done at both of these delightful cafes. 

Froma, pictured above has great espresso, and fine cuisine from French-Canadian owner and chef Francine!  Come for Dinner and get the best pasta dish in town featuring sausage, fennel and some magic secret sauce that I'm not skilled enough to describe.  They've got a huge selection of fancy wines that you'll love as well.  And ask my Froma Fave Patty, to make you the best Omelette around!  You won't regret it!  She makes it with love!

V Cafe has some of the best sandwiches in town and I love their super friendly staff.  My favorite sammy is the Roast Beef with carmelized onions, horseradish sauce and greens.  I swap out the RB for Turkey and ask them to hold the cheese as I can't enjoy dairy like normal people and nature has shunned me.  But I want you to enjoy it.  No really, eat all the cheese you want it's fine!  Just eat it!!!!

Alright , Downton Abbey was two hours long and I'm getting testy because I'm craving cheese, so I'll shut it down for now.  I can't wait to head to one of these sweet spots for my morning pick me up!  Now you know my faves, just promise not to hog the power outlet, because I always forget to recharge this dang battery!  Caffein-ate responsibly!  And if you're lucky maybe Downton Abbey's scorned Valet, Thomas will serve you your coffee in bed?

Cheers! - T.L.